Heavy in Your Arms
by dylanATLA
Summary: Starting after Katara's encounter with Yon Rha.
1. Chapter 1

They had been silent during the entire flight. Zuko could make out Katara's silhouette as she sat ahead steering Appa. He kept waiting for it to happen, for her to cry like she always did and maybe find some relief. But nothing happened. So, Zuko was left to deal with the emotions and memories that this excursion with Katara had forced to resurface. He had told himself that this mission was about her, he wanted to help her get closure and finally earn her trust but he had hoped that seeing her take down the man who had killed her mother would relieve him of his anger at what had happened to his own.

As it turned out Katara was a much stronger person than he was, she remained unfailingly kind even in the face of someone who had wounded her so irreparably. Zuko thought of his geneology and knew that that kind of compassion and mercy could not possibly be inside of him. He was weak where Katara was strong and weak in the way his father had always accused him of being. He had the opportunity to take revenge on the man who had taken his mother from him and he could not do it. He was too struck by the knowledge that his mother had killed for him, and then abandoned him.

He did not like thinking about his mother because it inevitably led to questions of where she was and why she had not come to find him. The entire world knew that he had been banished. He was on his own for 3 years and there was never any word of her. He had accepted that she was dead, even begun to heal a little, and now that wound had been ripped wide open again. Zuko told himself that the fact that she was alive was just a technicality. If she hadn't come looking for him in the last 3 years she certainly wouldn't now that he had so gravely betrayed his country and had Azula and the like chasing after him. No, finding out about his mother did not change anything so he would focus on helping Katara.

"We can't fly all night; we really should stop somewhere and make camp." Though she didn't respond Appa began to descend and they both began to look for a spot to land. Seeing a clearing on the shore, Katara brought Appa down and they silently set up camp. Zuko would never be the first to complain about not speaking but this was Katara and if she wasn't flitting around talking about hope and a million other things than he didn't know who she was. Cautiously, he approached her as she stood gazing into the darkness he said, "What you did was amazing Katara, you have more strength than anyone I know."  
>Silence ensued and when she finally turned to look at him there was hatred in her eyes that he had prayed he would never have to see again. Before he could even register what she was doing she had smacked him with a water whip, sending him flying into the ocean.<p>

"I am obviously not strong!" she screamed as Zuko was desperately trying to fend off the waves that kept crashing over him, "I couldn't protect Aang from you, I let you capture me, and then I almost wasted my spirit water on you in Ba Sing Se just because you were smart enough to prey on my weakness!" At that she brought two waves in on him so that Zuko had to dive underwater to keep from being crushed. When he resurfaced, coughing and out of breath she was still screaming.

"You pretend to join our group to get to Aang the same way you pretended with me and I still didn't kill you. And then that man…" Zuko was beginning to be terrified. She no longer seemed to be aware of the power she was wielding; her bending was taking on a life of its own.

"That man killed her! And your father ordered him to do it!" Zuko had avoided using his firebending until that point because he thought it might send her over the edge, but he could no longer duck her attacks. As he threw up a wall of flames to block her most recent whip she let out a laugh that scared him in how much it sounded like Azula.

"Now fight back! I am going to be strong from now on so fight back!  
>Zuko punched fire balls at her to give him some breathing room, careful not to actually hit her. It was night which meant the moon gave Katara an advantage that Zuko was starting to fear he could not overcome. She may have been a Master Water Bender, but she had no training in hand-to-hand combat, so Zuko began to slowly move closer to her. After being nicked by more than a few icicles, he finally managed to grab her wrists and pin them to her side.<p>

"That's right, just manhandle me like the rest of your barbaric nation. Cheat because you know my bending is better than yours!" She continued to rant and struggle but Zuko never budged. Then he felt her struggles fade and be replaced by the shaking of weeping shoulders. When he let her go she collapsed at his feet, clutching her sides and sobbing. He knelt down, scooped her up and carried her on to shore. He shot fire from his fist, sat down, and just held her. He had suffered this loss, and knew there were no words. She was crying so hard that he was becoming tired just from holding her still. The sobs began to subside and Zuko stroked her back gently, whispering to her that it was okay.

When she had finally exhausted herself with crying and thought she was calm enough she relinquished her hold on him and let out a deep sigh. Awkwardly, she got up from his lap and stood looking down at him.

"Zuko, I am so sorry. Everything I just said to you…it's…I was…I don't even know what to say." This was the Katara he knew; devastated at the thought that she may have hurt someone.

"Katara, you don't have to apologize, everything you said was-"

"You just called me Katara." She said, looking even more confused. "You've never used my name before."  
>"Of course I have." Zuko said, bewildered.<p>

"No. You have called me 'Peasant' and 'Water bender' but never Katara." She said, her expression now thoughtful. She then moved to heal the wounds she had inflicted during their spar.

"You don't have to do that."  
>"I put them there, I can heal them." Katara paused and looked up at him. "When we were in prison in Ba Sing Se together and you told me that the Fire Nation had taken your mother from you, were you just trying to soften me up or was that true?"<p>

"It was true."

"Oh" she breathed. "Could you… Could you tell me about her?" In that instant she saw his jaw clench and his walls go up and felt disappointed.

Zuko would have immediately denied anyone else but this was Katara and seeing her sad and pessimistic was like seeing a cloud pass in front of the sun for the first time. He was debating internally with himself when she spoke again,

"It's just, I have for the most part been able to keep perspective throughout this whole thing, the war I mean, and I accepted that my dad had to leave and do his part to end it. I know that helping Aang is the only thing I should be focusing on." A small sob escaped her and Zuko immediately tensed but she drew a steadying breath. "It feels like I've lost her all over again and it would be helpful to be reminded that I'm not the only one who has suffered because of this war, because that's how it feels right now."

She turned to look at Zuko as she finished and in that moment, her blue eyes misty with unshed tears and the firelight casting shadows on her elegant yet strong face, Zuko knew he could not refuse her anything.

She watched him with different eyes while he spoke. This was the Zuko that she had seen, briefly, in the catacombs at Ba Sing Se. Sensitive, insecure, and seemingly so lost, she could no longer doubt that the arrogant Fire Nation Prince was a mask. And she could not longer doubt that he was genuine in his attempts to join their group and end the war. If anyone knew how evil Ozai was, it was Zuko. She could not stop from gasping out loud when he told her of his father's plans to sacrifice him, or begin to imagine how it was growing up in an environment like that. A swell of admiration for the man he had managed to become arose in her chest, as well as a swell of sympathy for his sister; it was suddenly much easier to see Azula as more than just a raging psychopath.

Zuko stared into the fire while he was talking; trying to pretend that it wasn't Katara he was telling all of this to. She couldn't understand what it felt like to not be loved by your own father. Everyone loved Katara. She was loyal, compassionate, an amazingly powerful bender, and just looking into her uniquely blue eyes could make even her enemy feel that he deserved to be healed, that he deserved to be loved. Zuko glanced up to see those same blue eyes glimmering with pity and…something else he couldn't identify, something new.

"You haven't seen her since?" Katara asked gently.

"I thought she was dead until the day of the eclipse." He said, defeated. "Spirits, I took comfort in thinking she was dead. I couldn't imagine that she had been alive and that she…"

"That she had left you?" That was not a sentence that Zuko needed finished, and Katara's heart wrenched at having vocalized his deepest insecurity and the source of so much pain. He was so stoic all the time; she couldn't imagine how painful it was to have to hide all these feelings, to have to pretend he wasn't broken.  
>"Zuko, can I tell you something that might sound a little strange?" Katara asked<p>

Anything to change the current topic of conversation, Zuko thought, but just nodded.

"I like knowing that you've had a difficult past, that it's made you…well, a little dark I guess. Sometimes, I just have so much anger and I don't know what to do with it, it scares me sometimes, but I have to be…certain things to certain people, so I push things down and then when they surface I feel…I'm not explaining this well."  
>"No, I understand you. But, the war you've had to grow up in, the things you've had to sacrifice it would be unhealthy if you didn't feel rage. I'm sorry that you feel like you have to be perfect for…certain people but my Uncle used to tell me we cannot deny any part of ourselves, even the parts we don't like, and that our feelings are like the elements and they all keep us balanced and we shouldn't ignore them?" Zuko gave her a self-deprecating smile that she was forced to admit looked very good on him<p>

"I can never understand what he's saying but I think if he were here he would tell you not to bury your anger, it's there for a reason. We all have darkness in us."  
>"Aang doesn't. If he had been with us tonight, if he had saw what I did on that ship…" Katara turned away from Zuko's gaze.<br>"What exactly did you do to him?"  
>For a while Zuko did not think she would answer but then he heard her timidly reply, "I bent his blood."<p>

Zuko took pause at that, wondering again at her skill and trying to fathom the power she had demonstrated. Katara tensely waited for him to back away from her, to tell her that what she had done was inhumane, unforgivable, but he just looked thoughtful.

"I never thought anything could drive me to use that technique on another human being. That's why I wanted so badly to face my mother's killer, because the rage I have at him, I can't carry it anymore; it scares me." She was dying for him to speak. She could feel her eyes sting with tears, she really did not want to be showing this weakness in front of him again. "Now, I'm a monster like him."

Zuko whipped his head around and saw that she was now crying in earnest. He knelt down in front of her and lifted her head up to look at him.

"Katara, listen to me. I have that anger too. I have dreamt of killing the man who took my mother from me since I was a child. I have dreamt of killing the man who banished me, the man who scarred me. I have taken lives before and I would take the life of my own father, if I did not know that it was the Avatar's duty to do so. You are not a monster. You were put in front of the man you hate, and you showed him mercy. I need you to hear this; you are not a monster." Zuko spoke with a firm finality that reminded Katara that he was a prince.

Their eyes held for what seemed an impossibly long time. Katara had no idea what to say to him.  
>"We should get some sleep, you've been through a lot today." He finally spoke.<br>Katara nodded her head and pulled out her bedroll. They both laid down and after Zuko had dimmed the fire, Katara turned on her side to look at him.  
>"Thank you, Zuko. I am glad that you were the one that was here with me for this." She closed her eyes and fell asleep. Zuko watched her for a while, trying to make sense of the day, and of her.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Katara woke abruptly the next morning, sensing Zuko's absence before she opened her eyes. From the few weeks that he had traveled with them she knew that he rose with the sun, but she was still shaken from the events of the previous day, and she did not want to be alone at their campsite. Curious as to what he did so early in the morning, she dressed quickly and set off to look for him. When she found him a few hundred feet down the beach he was meditating with a flame in either hand.

Katara never thought twice about seeing Aang or Sokka without their shirts on, but looking at Zuko's sculpted back felt…indecent somehow. Now that she had stopped trying to convince herself she hated him and accepted that he really was a good man, she supposed it would be foolish to deny that he was a beautiful man as well. She was so distracted tracing the lines of the muscles in his arms that when he spoke she nearly jumped out of her skin.  
>"I know you're there."<p>

She was grateful he still had his back to her because she was blushing furiously. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to disturb you, I just was worried when you weren't there this morning and wanted to make sure that you were okay. Which you obviously are, so I'll just head back to camp." _Spirits, I sound like a moron._

Zuko couldn't help but smile. He had known the minute she walked up and could feel her stare, his own body temperature inadvertently rising in response.

"I didn't mean to wake you, I was just going to train for a little bit before we left." He had been restless the night before and was hoping that a workout would help. "But if you're ready to get going we can head out now."

"Oh, there's no rush. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something. Last night when I was…well, when I was attacking you. I felt like my bending was so much more powerful than it usually is."  
>"Well, you were feeling some pretty heavy emotions, I think it was probably adrenaline."<br>"I'm sure that was part of it. But I noticed even back at the North Pole that my bending seems to be stronger when I'm fighting you."

Zuko thought back to their battle in the catacombs of Ba Sing Se and remembered the heat of his fire and the way their bending seemed fluid almost, like they were mirroring each other.  
>"Honestly, I think it's because you hated me so much." He gave her a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.<br>"I don't know but I think it makes me better, do you mind if I train with you? Maybe we could spar. You can act like the pompous prince you used to be if you want." She smiled so that he knew she was teasing.

Zuko smirked. "Bring it on, peasant."

Katara had volunteered to steer Appa first after she noticed, and commented on the bags under Zuko's eyes. He lay on Appa's saddle but did not feel the urge to sleep. He kept reliving their sparring match and the difference in his bending. Every time he was alone with this girl she made him question everything. He wasn't even sure he could describe the way he had felt while they were sparring. Though the fight started with a few good-natured taunts, there was no hostility in their movements at all and though they traded blows, it didn't feel like they were fighting. The aggressive thrusts of his bending should have contrasted with the gentle, fluent way in which Katara handled water, but they seemed to balance each other.

He kept telling himself that he had been spending too much time with the Avatar but every time steam rose from the contact of their elements, he was acutely aware of it. He could feel the heat of it being absorbed back into his body and he swore he could feel himself consuming the energy of each ray of sunlight that hit him. It wasn't something he had ever experienced before and judging from the enthusiastic way in which Katara had suggested they spar again tomorrow, she must have felt something similar.  
>Katara. He had to admit that he liked the way her name sounded on his tongue. In the safety of his mind he could acknowledge that he had never used her name before, that he never wanted to think of her before. When he was chasing the Avatar, she was just some nuisance that got in his way. Some girl who got too worked up over a necklace. Then, at Ba Sing Se she was someone who gave him hope. Someone who knew, and had been a frequent victim of, his darkness…but had wanted to help him anyways. Zuko couldn't understand the type of person who could have that much faith, that much love inside them, but he found it intoxicating.<p>

_Don't get ahead of yourself Zuko, a good deal of that love is for the Avatar_.

He remembered how upset she had been at what Aang would think of her bloodbending. He felt a bit of irrational anger that Aang should make her feel like a monster simply because she let herself be human for a moment.

_But you have no right to feel that. You have no right to feel anything about her._

He was here to help the Avatar, to end the war, and then move on with his life. He couldn't let anything like what happened last night happen again. He thought back on what he had told her and groaned. He had never talked about his mother with anyone, he would breathe fire if his uncle even mentioned her and one night alone with Katara and he's going on like he had just drank a whole flask of cactus juice. It's her eyes, he decided. They're so big and bright that you get disoriented when you look into them and she can make you do anything. She was like a…a….

"Water witch" Zuko smirked.

Katara turned her head at that but Zuko quickly closed his eyes and feigned sleep. She let her eyes linger on his sleeping form a touch longer than necessary.

_He actually looks his age when he sleeps. _

She had finally asked how old he was this morning and her jaw had dropped when he said 16. He was only two years older than her and she could count on one hand the number of times she had seen him smile. Not to mention the nights she heard him screaming in his sleep before waking up and going to mediate. Her eyes softened at the thought. She followed him the first couple times. To make sure he wasn't doing anything suspicious but she couldn't stop herself from trying to imagine what it was about meditating that was able to calm him. Where he went to escape from such horrific dreams. Maybe she would ask him one day. After last night she was starting to think that maybe she could. He had told her things that she knew it must have killed him to even think about, just because she had asked him.

_He could be just trying to make up for Ba Sing Se _she thought.

But when she thought about it, he didn't have anything to make up for. He had not indicated that he was going to help them. He hadn't promised her anything. She still didn't know why she felt so betrayed by someone who prior to that day she had considered her enemy. She didn't understand him then, the way she was starting to now.

She thought back to something that Toph had told her, that Zuko had gotten his scar from his father. Apparently, Toph had spent some time with Zuko's uncle during their travels and he had told her that Zuko's scar had come from his father. She had been unbelievably hurt when her father had left her to fight in the war, she couldn't imagine how it would feel to have your father actually set out to hurt you. She turned her head to look at him again but he was no longer asleep. Their eyes met and he gave her a small smile. She turned around quickly as warmth spread through her stomach. She frowned at the sensation. It wasn't unfamiliar, she felt it often in Zuko's presence but before she had thought it was anger. Or maybe she hadn't paid it any attention because of her anger. Not since the crystal catacombs had there been a single second that she hadn't been shaking with rage in his presence.

_Spirits, I threatened to kill him._ Her face turned red at the memory. What was it about this boy that got so under her skin?_ I guess he was the first threat that I ever had to defend Aang from._ She used to think he was all they had to fight against. In her mind he was the embodiment of the Fire Nation, the war, everything. It was easier to think of him that way then to admit he was just another victim. After what happened in Ba Sing Se, she didn't want to acknowledge that he was human, that he had pain too. That maybe it wasn't entirely his fault that he turned out the way he did. _Well, for whatever reason I was absolutely awful to him and I never really apologized. _She turned back to look at him again and this time their eyes held and the warmth returned with a vengeance.

Zuko was confused when Katara began to lower Appa down and they landed because they couldn't possibly be back yet. She slid down Appa's head and started pacing on the ground.

"Katara, what's wrong?" Zuko said as he jumped off Appa. She drew in a deep breath and turned to face him.

"I just…before we get back to the others there's something I need to say to you."

_Oh Agni, _Zuko thought, _she's going to tell me that when we get back we need to pretend like this never happened, that we can't stay friends, she was wrong to let her guard down with me…_Zuko set his face in his usual mask of indifference and braced himself.

"I'm sorry." Zuko wasn't expecting to hear this and it showed on his face.

"Zuko, I'm sorry." She said again with a fierceness that made him pay attention.

"You already apologized last night and you were clearly distressed, Katara, I understood"

"Not for last night, for everything else." She looked down at her hands thoughtfully for a minute. "I'm sorry that I was horrible to you. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize you were trying to help us. I just felt so betrayed after Ba Sing Se, I'm still not sure why, and it's my job to protect Aang…and you you were Prince Zuko" He looked down at his feet at that. "You were a threat to him…and you hurt me, and I guess I was confused and I just…"

"Katara, Katara hey" He put his hand on her shoulder and they both looked down at the contact. He cleared his throat and let his hand slide down her arm and away from her while she tried to ignore the trail of heat left by his fingers. "It's okay, I know all of that. You had to protect your family, I can at least imagine what that is like. I never blamed you, Ba Sing Se confused me too."

"You were confused? What…why did you go with your sister?" His cheeks might have turned a little red but it was getting dark and she couldn't be sure. "Gosh, I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about this. You clearly don't owe me anything."

"I'll always feel like I owe you." Zuko replied quietly. She looked up at him, clearly confused and he took a deep breath. "How many times did I hurt you or your brother or Aang? I captured him I chased you, I tied you to a tree for Agni's sake" Katara blushed bright red at that memory and the confusing feelings she still associated with it.

"I was your enemy and then you were being kind to me and no one was ever kind to me and you offered to…to heal me."

"But I didn't." Katara looked down at her hands.

"I never really expected you too. The Avatar came and then Azula was there and she offered me what I had wanted for the past three years and she's my sister. I always know what to expect from Azula and I didn't understand you at all." He gave her a shrug of his shoulders. "I am sorry that Aang was hurt, and obviously that Ba Sing Se fell, but I think I had to go back. I had to face my father."

Katara had stopped paying attention after he mentioned her offer to heal him. She thought back to the look on his face in the Catacombs as he brought his hand up to touch his scar, _the scar his father gave him._

"Zuko, I'm sorry I never healed your scar."

" It's fine. It's just a scar, it doesn't matter."

"Well, I'm going to at least try." She moved to the shore and began to bend the salt out of some of the water.

"Katara, really it's-"

"No, Zuko. I'm going to try. How is your hearing in your left ear?"

"Fuzzy. Like I have cotton in it, I suppose."

Katara brought her hand slowly up to his face, looking into his eyes one last time as if asking permission. He gave a barely perceptible nod and the water on her hands began to glow. He felt a cool and slightly uncomfortable sensation glide over his eyelid then a shiver passed through his body as Katara brushed his hair back to gain access to his ear. He was so tall that she had to reach up on her toes and her body was so close to his he was holding his breath. His eyes were almost crossing with the strain of keeping his chest from brushing against her. Before he knew what she was doing she had placed a hand on his shoulder to whisper in his ear.

"Is that any better?" All Zuko could think of was how close her mouth was to his face and he didn't know what she was referring to. She finally stepped away from him and he let out the giant breath he had been holding. "Zuko, is your hearing any better?" He re-focused his eyes on hers and saw that they were concerned, but that her cheeks were slightly pink as well. Then he noticed that he could hear her speaking in his left ear, that he could hear the wind, Appa in the distance and his hand flew up to touch his…his scar was still there.

The look of hope followed so soon by disappointment on his face broke Katara's heart. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help the damage to the skin but I was able to undo some of the blockage in your ear and after the war, once you're Fire Lord, you could go to the North pole and I'm sure the spirit water would heal it."

She stopped when he smiled at her, _Tui and La he had to stop doing that._ "Thank you, Katara. This is more than I ever expected, really. It doesn't bother me anymore and if I become Fire Lord, it won't matter that I'm unattractive, because they'll be people lining up to be around me… What's wrong?"

Katara looked like she had just been hit by a chi-blocker. "You think you're unattractive? Spirits, you're as dumb as my brother. Having a scar on your face doesn't cancel everything else out alright?"

Zuko looked confused but then began to grin at her.

"You're as immature as my brother,too." But she smiled back at him. "We're adults, basically adults so I can tell you that you're attractive. Besides we're friends. Right?" The last word came out with the slightest bit of uncertainty.

"Right." He unleashed the full power of his smile on her this time. But hers began to falter.

"Since we're friends, can I ask you something?"

"Uh, sure."  
>"How did you get that scar?"<p>

Zuko should have seen it coming but he wasn't prepared and he instantly stepped back from her and looked down the beach. His hands balled into fists and she could see the veins in his muscled forearms as well as the tension in his shoulders that had been relieved only moments ago. _Why do I keep hurting him? _She thought.

"Y-your uncle told Toph that it was your father and I-I'm sorry but if you want to talk about it-"

"No. I can't. I just…can't. Last night you were hurt but I can't give you this too." Without looking at her he made his way back to Appa and waited for her to get in the saddle. She felt on the verge of tears but knew she had no right to cry about this. No right to make him feel that he had to comfort her when he was upset, so she climbed on Appa and didn't attempt to talk to him until they arrived back at the camp where the rest of the gang was. When they landed Zuko jumped down and walked off before she could say anything to him, and she didn't feel ready to talk to anyone yet so she stayed on the pier watching the sun go down.

Zuko walked into camp and was immediately jumped on by Aang who had a million questions but seemingly only wanted one answer.

"She didn't kill him." Zuko was annoyed at the relief and smile that now adorned the Avatar's face. And then he was annoyed at himself. Katara had just endured the most difficult experience of her life, she wasn't over the loss of her mother yet and here he was, making her feel bad and ignoring her. He thought about just letting the Avatar go comfort her, but he had only been at camp 30 seconds and Aang was already preaching at him about being right and he didn't think Katara needed to be lectured right now so he followed him back down the beach.

He let her talk to Aang for a few minutes and then told him she was ready to forgive him, assumedly for the Avatar's benefit, and then she had her arms around his neck and for the first time he got to appreciate the clean smell of her hair.

"I'm sorry, could you meet me down here later?" She whispered in his ear. In answer he just put his arms around her waist and hugged her back. She released him and walked towards camp and he turned to look at the Avatar.

"You were right about what Katara needed" he felt he had to say something to the young boy "violence wasn't the answer."

"It never is." Zuko frowned at the naivety of this boy who was supposed to save the world. Life, and people, couldn't be as perfect and clear-cut as he wanted them to be.

"Then I have a question for you, what are you going to do when you face my father?"


End file.
